


Saved From The Lab Coat

by kittyhazelnut



Category: Milo Murphy's Law, Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Episode: s04e29-e30 Night of the Living Pharmacists, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:20:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24719683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittyhazelnut/pseuds/kittyhazelnut
Summary: When Heinz Doofenshmirtz's repulse-inator backfires, Perry's biggest concern is getting home to check on his family. He had no idea Candace and Vanessa were in the building, and, needless to say, dragging a couple teenage girls through the zombie apocalypse is not easy. It only gets worse when he takes a bad luck magnet to help save the tri-state area.
Relationships: Candace Flynn & Perry the Platypus, Diogee & Milo Murphy, Ferb Fletcher & Phineas Flynn & Perry the Platypus, Melissa Chase & Milo Murphy & Zack Underwood, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Comments: 33
Kudos: 135





	Saved From The Lab Coat

Perry has heard hundreds of Heinz’s schemes in his time with OWCA. He’s _seen_ quite a few, too, when the scientist gets to fire off a shot before Perry inevitably hits the self destruct button. They’ve yet to bring any true terror to the tri-state area, so he rarely thinks anything of them. 

The repulse-inator is different.

It sounded like any other scheme at first -- humiliate Roger Doofenshmirtz, watch him lose his governor position, and Heinz will take over. It’s the type of illogical Perry has come to expect from him, and the type he has long since stopped worrying about. It’s going to backfire and blow up in Heinz’s face, just like it always does.

Except this time, when it blows up in his face, it takes the entire tri-state area down with it. Perry has to watch from his trap as all of Danville turns into mindless zombies, each one bearing Heinz’s face. Heinz seems to think he can control them, and, at this point, Perry couldn’t care less if he’s right. He just needs the guy gone, _now_ , so he can get home and check on his family. These zombies infect others with just a touch, and he refuses to let any of them touch his kids.

As soon as Heinz is gone, Perry frees himself, and his first thought is that the quickest way to get home will be hang gliding off the balcony. Unfortunately, the zombies choose that moment to crawl up the wall, and they pile into the room, surrounding him. Looking around, he can see them _everywhere_. There’s not a single exit that doesn’t have zombies piling out of it, and it really starts to sink in that he’s trapped. Every step he takes is another reminder that he’s cornered, and once he hits the wall, he’ll be out of options.

That changes when he _does_ hit the wall.

A pile of boxes topples over him, and what he first assumes to be a mild inconvenience from a scientist who has never heard of organization proves to instead be a gift for one last Hail Mary. The boxes are full of plungers. Why Heinz feels he needs 20 plungers, Perry has no idea, but he’s never been so grateful for the guy’s hoarding tendency. He takes a plunger in each hand and launches himself at the zombies, striking two in the face and knocking them to the ground. 

Armed with bathroom necessities, Perry fights his way out to the hallway and slams the door behind him. There are no zombies here yet, but if they can scale a building this size, it’s only a matter of time before they make their way to the halls. A plunger in each hand, Perry sprints down the hall, hoping to make it to the staircase before the zombies do. He may not have time to run down every flight of stairs, but he has his grappling hook, and he’ll ditch one of his plungers if that’s what it will take to make that jump. He just has to hope that one plunger is enough to get him home.

Footsteps pound against the floor from somewhere down the hall, and if he had to take a guess, they’re from someone who’s running. That rules out zombies -- they may be excellent climbers, but they seem to lack the brain cells and necessary to run. Heinz mentioned that Vanessa was having a movie night with her friends. He can only assume it’s her, and if she’s okay, there’s still hope for his family. 

Perry follows the footsteps, intent on dragging her home with him to keep her safe, and it’s not until he’s too close to turn back that he hears Candace’s voice. Instantly, Perry drops to all fours, the plungers lying on the ground by his side. Mere moments later, Candace opens the door, Vanessa right behind her.

“Perry?” Candace’s jaw drops at the sight of him.

Perry chatters, and no game of poker could have prepared him for how useful it is to be able to hide all his emotions at the drop of a hat -- or, in this case, the drop of a plunger.

“Oh, Perry, thank god,” Vanessa breathes. “Are you okay?”

Perry just stares at her. He’s never been so conflicted. On one hand, he knows he should be asking the girls that same question. He knows he should help them get home, or at least someplace safe, and then do the same with the boys. He can’t do any of that if he has to pretend he’s just a pet.

On the other hand, he doesn’t want to risk revealing his secret identity. After the last mishap from the other dimension, Monogram had to lay down the law. If it happens again, Perry will have to be reassigned. He can’t stay with a family that continuously meddles in their affairs, and even a memory eraser can’t save them from that. If he shows Candace that he’s a secret agent, it will be the last time he ever gets to see her, and he may never get to see the rest of his family again.

“Perry?” Vanessa crouches down in front of him. “Perry, come on. What do we do?”

Perry doesn’t move. He _can’t_ move, not until he figures out what to do. He doesn’t want to lose his family. He’s not sure he could handle it. But what’s the best way to make sure that doesn’t happen?

“Uh, Vanessa?” Candace taps her on the shoulder. “You know he’s just a platypus, right? He doesn’t do much.”

Vanessa looks up at her. “No, trust me, he’s a lot more than meets the eye. He’ll know what to do.” She turns her attention back to him. “So? What’s the plan?”

Perry hesitates. He could drag them away, blowing his cover and knowing that if they make it through this, he’ll be reassigned, _or_ he could run, hide, and hope no one finds him so he can help from afar. He knows the first option will end in him never seeing them again. Once his cover is blown, that’s it. The latter at least gives him a chance, however slight it may be. He just has to figure out how to get away without Vanessa following him.

“Perry, _please_ ,” Vanessa whispers, tears welling up in her eyes. “I can’t find my dad, so you’re all I have right now. Can you at least tell me if he’s okay?”

She sounds so fearful, so desperate, that Perry wishes he could answer her. Even a simple “no” would be better than ignoring her. But he can’t; Candace is here, and that would be the end. 

Perry is about ready to make a run for it when he sees a zombie approaching the girls. They’re oblivious, and he can’t think of a single subtle way to warn them. He obviously can’t let the zombie turn them -- he’d never forgive himself if anything happened to either of them. As much as he wants to stay with his family, he’s more concerned that they make it out alive and lab coat-free.

Perry grabs a plunger and jumps up, slamming it in the zombie’s face. He throws it to the side, and both the plunger and the zombie hit the wall, and hard. Perry grabs the other plunger, just in case someone else joins the party.

“Perry?”

Perry forces himself to meet Candace’s eye, no matter how much it hurts. This isn’t as bad as it was last time. When Phineas and Ferb found out, they were pissed. He was their best friend, a pet they’d had for half their lives, and he spent every one of those five years lying to them. That’s definitely grounds to be upset.

Candace, on the other hand, just looks shocked. They never had the close relationship that he has with the boys -- Candace complains about him more often than not, and Perry has had quite a few unpleasant thoughts about her over the years, too. It’s not a relationship borne of hatred; it’s just a sibling thing, and they’ve never been particularly close. But finding out that the pet you thought was a useless sack of meat and teal fur can take out a zombie with a plunger… well, that would shock anybody.

“Perry, where’s my dad?” Vanessa asks again, more urgent this time. 

Perry shrugs and shakes his head solemnly. He knows Heinz left the building, intent on ruling over all the zombies somehow, but he could be anywhere. He could be any _one_. 

“You don’t know?” Vanessa scoffs. “But he was with you! What happened?”

Perry brushes the thought off and shakes his head. They can’t talk about this now. They need to move. If one zombie could make it here, it’s only a matter of time before the rest do. He looks around. There has to be somewhere safe here, somewhere with no windows and a barricadable door. He just doesn’t know _where_.

“Okay, hold on,” Candace says. “He can _understand_ you?”

“Yeah, I told you; he’s not just a normal platypus,” Vanessa says. 

“So, what, there are two platypuses named Perry running around?” Candace scoffs. “Because _that’s_ not confusing.”

“You know another platypus named Perry?” Vanessa asks.

“Yeah, my brothers have one,” Candace says. “I thought it was this one, but theirs doesn’t do anything.”

Perry wishes her denial was enough to convince OWCA to let him stay, but he knows that’s not the case. There’s no time to explain it to her now, so he doesn’t even hand her the pamphlet. Instead, he grabs Candace’s hand and takes off running, dragging her along with him. He’d take Vanessa’s hand, too, if it didn’t mean dropping his only remaining plunger, but he needs a weapon, and Vanessa seems to understand that she should follow him anyway.

Perry shoves the girls into the stairwell, and though he would like to assume that they’re alone because of the silence, he still pokes his head over the railing to make sure. 

“How is this any better?” Candace asks, exasperated.

“You have a plan, right, Perry?” Vanessa asks.

Perry shoots his grappling hook at the railing, and the rope loops around enough that he knows it will hold. 

“Where did you even get that?” Candace asks.

With one hand still on the grappling gun, he holds out the plunger to the girls, and Vanessa grabs it immediately. It takes a moment for Candace to process that she’s supposed to do the same, and as soon as they’re both secured, he jumps off the stairs, and they fall to the ground floor in mere seconds. He does his best to ignore both girls’ screams. Free falling isn’t a typical teenage girl’s idea of a good time.

As soon as they’re on the ground, he puts the grappling gun away. He shakes the plunger until Candace and Vanessa let go and holds it at the ready. He doesn’t know how many zombies to expect down here, and it pays to be prepared.

“Great, now what?” Candace asks.

Perry runs to the stairwell door and opens it, only to find the lobby full of zombies. He slams the door shut and presses his back against it. Logically, he knows that a platypus as small as he is wouldn’t stop anyone from opening it, but it makes him feel better as he brainstorms their next move.

After a few moments of deliberation, Perry runs back to the stairs, sprinting up the first flight and to the next exit. It would be on the first floor and not necessarily an easy jump, but he’ll have to take what he can get. Fortunately, he sees as he opens the door, this hall is mostly empty, and he’s sure he can take out the few zombies that are there with his plunger. 

He leans over the railing and gestures for the girls to follow him. His hang glider is more than big enough for the three of them. 

“Seriously, Perry, where are we going?” Vanessa asks. 

“There can’t be anywhere in the city that’s any better than here,” Candace adds. 

Perry gestures for them to follow, this time with more urgency.

“You know, I really think we should take our chances here,” Candace says. “Like, thank you, Mr. Platypus Man, but I really think we’d have better luck barricading ourselves in a closet.”

Perry slides down the bannister and hops off by their feet. With a heavy heart, he rips his collar off for the first time since their battle from the other dimension and holds it out to the redhead.

“What’s that?” Vanessa asks.

“No way,” Candace breathes. She takes it from him gently and opens the locket up. Time almost seems to stop for a moment as she runs her thumb over the pictures. “So you’re really our Perry.”

Perry chatters quietly. 

“Is that Phineas and Ferb?” Vanessa asks. 

“Yes,” Candace says softly. “Yes, it is.”

Perry grabs Candace’s arm and pulls her towards the staircase. It’s not as easy when she’s not willing to work with him, but it doesn’t stop him from trying. What more does she want from him? He’s already admitted to being her platypus. He would have thought that would come with at least a little bit of trust.

“Do the boys know that you can wield a plunger?” Candace asks.

Perry smacks his forehead with the palm of his paw. Now is _so_ not the time for that.

“Seriously, Perry, where are you taking us?” Vanessa asks. “Because I have to agree with Candace. If you don’t have a plan, I think we should hide out here.”

Perry points to the collar.

“Oh, I get it!” Candace says. “You want to go home, right?”

Perry nods.

“That’s a good idea,” Candace agrees. “The boys will know what to do.”

“Do you really think we can make it?” Vanessa asks.

Perry tugs on Candace’s arm again, and both girls decide to save their questions for later. They all run up the stairs, but when Perry opens the door to the second floor, he’s greeted with a hallway full of zombies. He closes the door as quietly as possible and runs up to the next floor, with the girls on his heels. 

The third floor is a little calmer than the second was. Perry steps out into the hall, plunger at the ready. Instantly, every zombie is walking towards him, and it occurs to him that this would be so much easier with an ally, or at least a better weapon. A plunger is not the ideal weapon when escorting teenage girls through a zombie apocalypse.

Perry charges at a zombie, the plunger nailing him in the face and refusing to let go. When it becomes clear that he won’t be able to pull the plunger free, he does what any desperate platypus would do, and swings the plunger around, zombie and all. As it turns out, zombie legs are a hell of a weapon, and he manages to knock all the zombies down, even if he knows it won’t last long. 

Perry manages to shake the plunger free just in time for the zombies to start standing up. He heads back to the door to the stairwell, where the girls are peeking through a crack. He grabs Candace by the wrist and tries to pull her out, but she won’t budge.

“Are you insane?” Candace hisses. “There’s nowhere to go from here!”

Perry looks up at her with pleading eyes and tugs on her wrist again.

Candace hesitates, then sighs. “You better have a plan.”

“He always does,” Vanessa remarks.

He has to knock a few zombies aside in the process, but he leads the girls to the window at the end of the hall with relative ease. There’s not much time before the zombies inevitably catch up, but if all goes well, he won’t need more than a few seconds.

“ _This_ was your brilliant plan?” Candace says in disbelief. “We’re trapped! We’re more trapped now than we were on the stairwell!”

Perry turns the plunger around so the wooden part faces out. He doesn’t want to stick to anything; he just needs something he can put a lot of force behind, and wood seems much less painful than using his feet would be. He slams the handle of the plunger against the window and it shatters. He holds the plunger out, and just like last time, Vanessa grabs it. 

“Don’t tell me you’re expecting us to jump again,” Candace says. “Look, Perry, I don’t know what _you_ do in your free time, but no human can jump from three stories up and still outrun the zombie apocalypse.”

Perry shoves the plunger at her pointedly.

“Just do it,” Vanessa says. “Has he failed us yet?”

Candace hesitates, but, with a resigned sigh, she grabs ahold of the plunger.

Perry gestures for the girls to follow his lead, then jumps out the window. It’s awkward, hanging off the edge from a plunger, but he doesn’t have much of a choice until the girls do the same. As soon as they’re all out, Perry pulls out his hang glider. Thank god for the rocket-powered engine, because he knows they have enough power to make it home. He just doesn’t know how well he’ll be able to steer this with one hand.

“You know,” Candace remarks, “for a platypus who ‘doesn’t do much,’ you sure have a lot of cool gadgets.”

Perry chatters sheepishly.

_Beep! Beep!_

“What was that?” Candace and Vanessa ask in unison.

Perry looks down at his watch. It would be a pain to try to steer with one hand _and_ looking down, so he angles the hang glider up. He could still crash into any of the tall buildings, but it’s less likely than hitting a zombie, and if Monogram has some advice, he needs to hear it.

“Agent P! Agent P!” Monogram says urgently. “Do not come to headquarters! It is a life or Doof situation!”

Perry stares at his watch in shock. 

“OWCA has fallen,” Monogram says. “I repeat, OWCA has --”

The signal flickers, and for the briefest moment, his face disappears. When it returns, it’s accompanied by a crash. Perry flinches -- and Perry _never_ flinches. Not in fear. Not like this.

“Agent P, we need you to find the source of the contagion and protect those that haven’t been infected,” Monogram says. “You’re our last hope.”

Carl’s face pops in the frame. “You are the omega platypus, but no pressure! Oh--”

Once again, his watch is hit by a wave of static, and when the signal returns, Monogram is surrounded by the purple lightning of an infected zombie mid-formation. The last words he manages to get out are, “Good luck, Agent P. Good --” and then he’s gone, morphed into another Heinz-shaped zombie with the repetitive, “Lots of me!”

Another zombie pops its face in. “Lots of me! I used to be Carl.”

The video cuts out, and Perry’s never been so grateful for OWCA’s technology failing. He’s been with that organization since he was a baby. They’ve been the one constant in his life, one that existed long before him and one he thought would outlive him by centuries. He never thought it would fall. He never thought he would _see it_ fall. If OWCA couldn’t survive this, what chance is there that he will? What are the chances that his family will?

“Perry, who was that?” Candace asks. “Who’s Agent P? What’s OWCA? What is going on?”

Perry just turns his focus back to the task at hand. He just needs to get home. He’s sure he’ll stumble upon Phineas, Ferb, and all their friends working on something to stop this. Not to put too much pressure on the kids, but they may be the only people capable of saving everyone.

“Perry, is Monogram okay?” Vanessa asks.

Perry shakes his head. No, he’s not okay. None of his agency friends are. They wouldn’t call him their last hope if there was someone he could work with -- _anyone_ he could work with. He’s really all that’s left.

Vanessa lets out a long breath. “So OWCA fell. My dad disappeared. It’s really just us, huh?”

Perry nods solemnly. For now, at least, it’s just them. He’d like to think that there are still other people out there, and not just because he’s holding out hope that the kids somehow survived impossible odds. Monogram told him to rally the survivors, and that’s what he’s going to do. 

“Wait, _you_ know what OWCA is?” Candace scoffs. “Great, so fill me in, because this is really starting to feel like one of those nightmares you know make no sense but that terrify you nonetheless.”

“It’s the Organization Without A Cool Acronym,” Vanessa says. “It’s his spy network.”

“Perry, you’re a _spy_?”

“A secret agent, or something like that,” Vanessa says. “But I really don’t think that’s the most important thing going on right now.”

Candace scoffs. “My brothers’ pet platypus is a secret agent, and you think I should just nod and smile?”

“Until we figure out how to fix this, yes, I kinda do,” Vanessa says. “You guys can talk about this later, but right now --”

“There’s not going to _be_ a later, Vanessa!” Candace says. “Mr. Watch Guy just said that _Perry_ is our last hope! _Perry!_ A freaking platypus!”

“A platypus, and a secret agent,” Vanessa reminds him.

“He eats bugs!” Candace practically yells. “The fate of the world lies in the hands of a bug-eating platypus!”

“He eats bugs?”

Perry chatters at them, pulling them from their argument just long enough to gesture with his head to the street below them. They made it home. If they’re going to find Phineas and Ferb, this is where they’ll be.

They reach the ground, and Perry immediately puts the hang glider away. If the kids _are_ in here -- and that’s a huge ‘if’ -- it’s going to be hard enough to explain the fact that he’s walking on two legs and holding a plunger. He doesn’t want to worry about explaining his OWCA gadgets, too. 

Candace rings the doorbell. When no one answers within the first five seconds, she rings it again and again, but to no avail. 

“They’re gone,” Candace whispers. “Phineas and Ferb are gone.”

Perry pulls out his lock picking set. He typically only uses it with Heinz’s door, but there’s a first time for everything -- including, it would seem, breaking into his own house. 

“Candace!” Phineas yells, and Perry immediately puts his lock picking set away. 

Phineas opens the door just a crack, barely wide enough to pull Candace and Vanessa inside. Perry runs in after them, and he’s the one who closes and locks the door behind him, though it’s Ferb and Buford who barricade it.

Candace pulls her brothers into a hug. “I’m so glad you guys are okay.”

“I’m so glad _you’re_ okay,” Phineas says. “The pharmacists already got Mom and Dad. I thought for sure they’d gotten you, too.”

“They got Mom and Dad?” 

Phineas nods solemnly. “They’ve gotten most of the town. We might be the only ones left.”

Vanessa crouches down in front of Perry. “So we made it. Now what’s the plan?”

Perry shakes his head. He has no idea where they go from here. He can barely wrap his head around the fact that the zombies already got to Linda and Lawrence. He definitely can’t think of a plan when his mind is too preoccupied with this.

“That is _such_ a cool platypus,” Phineas remarks. “He understands you? Can he understand me?”

“He can understand everybody and everything,” Vanessa says.

“That is _so cool!_ ” Phineas gushes. “What’s his name?”

“Uh, Phineas?” Candace says. “That’s Perry.”

“What?”

Candace pulls his collar out of her pocket and hands it to him. “Apparently the ‘doesn’t do much’ thing was a little misleading.”

Phineas pops open the locket and runs his thumb over the pictures. He doesn’t speak at first, though Perry knows that when he does, it won’t be pleasant. He’s been through this before. He knows how it plays out. Phineas is going to be pissed, just like he was when Perry had to let them open a portal into another dimension, and Perry is just going to have to take it.

But when Phineas finally looks up, he’s beaming. “If we weren’t in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, I’d honestly say this is the best day ever.”

Perry can’t help but smile. He’s not sure why Phineas isn’t mad, but he can’t complain. If he wants to skip straight to the acceptance stage, Perry certainly won’t stop him.

“Have you been able to understand us this whole time?” Phineas asks.

Perry nods. 

“And there’s a reason you didn’t tell us, right?” Phineas asks.

Perry hands him the pamphlet.

“‘So you’ve discovered your pet is a secret agent.’” Phineas scoffs. “I can’t believe it. I can’t --” He looks over at Ferb. “Can you believe it? Because I can’t believe it.”

Ferb just shakes his head.

Phineas kneels down in front of Perry. “Under different circumstances, I would read this whole pamphlet right now. But, given the situation, I think I’m just going to tell you that I love you now that I know you’ll understand it.”

Perry gives him the biggest hug he can manage with his tiny little arms. Phineas doesn’t hesitate to hug him back, which is all Perry could have hoped for. When that hug is over, Perry gives Ferb one, too. He may not have said anything, but Perry can feel the support radiating from him, and that’s good enough for him. 

“Uh, guys?” Baljeet says warily. “As touching as this is, should we not focus on the pharmacist apocalypse?”

“The pharmpocalypse, if you will?” Buford adds.

Perry takes a step away from Ferb and salutes. He’ll do whatever they need him to do. They just have to say the word.

“Oh, look at that!” Phineas gushes. “He’s saluting! He salutes!”

With anyone else, Perry would find this obnoxious. With Phineas, he doesn’t really mind. He’s seen this reveal go horribly wrong before. He’s not sure why this time is different, but he doesn’t want to blow it.

“Do you guys have any idea what’s going on?” Phineas asks. “Because we are clueless.”

“All I know is it was definitely something my dad did,” Vanessa says.

“Your dad did this?” Phineas repeats. “But… why?”

“Why does he do _anything_ he does?” Vanessa counters. “I have no idea.”

“Well, where is he now?” Phineas asks. “Maybe he can fix this.”

“I don’t know where he is,” Vanessa says. “Perry was the last one to see him, and he doesn’t know, either.”

“Great,” Buford says. “So our only lead is a guy that we can’t find, and our only defense is a rubberization ray that we can’t fix? Are you sure I can’t start screaming again?”

“No one is screaming about anything,” Candace says firmly, though his words don’t seem to sink in until after she says it. “What do you mean, a rubberization ray?”

“We made it to coat ourselves in rubber so we could bounce around,” Phineas says. “But we think the rubber may have acted as an insulator, keeping us safe from the pharmacists.”

“That explains why Perry’s plunger worked so well,” Vanessa remarks. 

Perry looks down at his plunger. Well, she does have a point.

“So what do we do?” Baljeet asks. 

“I…” Phineas sighs. “I don’t know.”

Candace looks down at Perry. “You got any ideas, spy boy?”

Perry just shakes his head.

“Great.” Candace sits down on the floor, propping her head up in her hands. “This is _great_.”

Everyone seems to take their cues from Candace, because she instantly kills the mood in the room. It’s as if the last bit of hope everyone had left disappeared. There’s no game plan. There’s nothing to do next. It doesn’t matter how long they can hold out here. If the zombie hoard doesn’t get them, starvation or dehydration will. 

Perry sits down and takes off his watch. He’s so used to seeing Monogram’s face when he looks at it. He can always get himself out of any jam he’s in by just contacting OWCA, something he’s done more times than he can count. He doesn’t know what to do without them. They were his team, and sure, he’s never been big into teamwork, but it’s not something he can just move on from.

Phineas sits down next to him. “How are you holding up, buddy?”

Perry shrugs. He’s definitely been better, though he can’t say he’s never felt worse. Once again, the other dimension comes to mind. This feels about as hopeless as that did.

“I feel you,” Phineas says. “I mean, what do we do? We’re surrounded by zombie pharmacists, for god’s sake.”

Perry pats Phineas on the back, trying to console him in the only way he can. Until they figure out a plan -- _if_ they figure out a plan -- they just have to sit tight and try not to fall apart.

No one speaks for a while. Perry would like to think that they’re all trying to think of a way out of this mess, but if they’re anything like him, they probably gave up on that a long time ago. There’s nothing left for them to do. They might be able to get a couple more days in here, but unless Heinz’s repulse-inator was on a timer, there’s no way out. 

And then, to make matters worse, a tree falls on the house and leaves a gaping hole in the living room. Everyone scrambles to their feet, and Perry grips his plunger tighter. If they can’t hide, they’re going to have to fight.

“What do we do?” Candace asks.

“I don’t know!” Phineas says. “There’s gotta be a room with four walls somewhere in the house we can hide in, right?”

“Who cares?” Buford says. “They’re gonna get us!”

“No, there has to be a way,” Phineas says firmly. “There has to.”

Between the repeated “Lots of me!”s of the zombies and his heart pounding in his chest, Perry can just barely make out the murmurs from the outside. He’s not even sure they’re real, if he’s being completely honest with himself. He wouldn’t be surprised if he’s delusional -- absolute terror can do that to a platyperson. But he was told to round up the survivors, and if he _does_ hear someone outside, he has to get them.

Perry climbs the tree laying across the house. Though it should be the last thing on his mind right now, he’s oddly relieved to see that it’s not the tree from the backyard. If that fell over, the tubes to his lair would --

His lair!

The brainless zombies would never make it down there. That has to be the safest place for everyone to regroup. He’ll just take a quick look around, make sure that there are no other survivors outside, and then he’ll bring everyone to his lair. 

“Perry, what are you doing?” Phineas asks.

Perry shoots his grappling hook towards the chimney and pulls himself up to the roof. From here, he can see _everything_. He can see all the zombies all over the street heading towards them -- the sound of the tree falling must have attracted them. But, he realizes after a moment, it’s not _all_ the zombies. There are three walking away from them. Perry pulls out his binoculars to get a better look. 

They’re not zombies. They’re just kids in lab coats.

He climbs down from the roof and back to his family. He grabs Phineas’s hand, and, ignoring all the questions being thrown at him, he drags the boy after him. Fortunately, everyone else follows, though he’s not sure if they know he wanted them to or if they just want to know what he’s doing. 

“Perry, where are we going?” Phineas asks.

Perry takes them to the staircase leading to his secret lair. The smaller kids may be able to take a tube, but Candace, Vanessa, and Buford definitely wouldn’t fit, and he’d much rather keep them together. 

“Woah, what _is_ this?” Phineas asks. 

Perry gently pushes him towards it.

“Is it safe?” Phineas asks.

Perry hesitates. He doesn’t know for sure that there are no zombies down there. He’d like to _assume_ that it’s safe, but he hasn’t checked it. There aren’t many other options, though, so he has to send them there. He hands Phineas the plunger, just in case, and then he runs.

“Perry!” Phineas calls after him.

Perry doesn’t look back. He’ll join them in a second, but there are too many people with them for a rescue mission. Instead, he heads back to the roof. He scans the area, hoping to find a group of supposed zombies going against the status quo. Unfortunately, it’s been so long since the tree crashed that there _is_ no status quo anymore. If Perry’s going to find these kids, he’s going to have to look at every single zombie until he finds one that doesn’t share Heinz’s face. He pulls out his binoculars and looks around. Heinz zombie, Heinz zombie, Heinz zombie… 

“Perry!”

Perry jumps, startled, and his binoculars tumble off the roof. He shoots Phineas a glare. Now how is he supposed to find those kids?

“Perry, what are you doing?” Phineas asks. “You’re not safe up here!”

Perry smacks himself on the forehead. Of course he’s not safe up here! That’s why he went alone! That’s why he gave Phineas the plunger -- fat lot of good that did; the kid didn’t even keep it -- and why he wanted Phineas to lead everyone away! Perry may have a job to do, but the kids don’t. 

“We have to go!” Phineas says. “Come on!”

Perry shakes his head. He might not have his binoculars anymore, but if he squints just right, he can still make out the shapes of the zombies’ heads. Heinz has very distinctive hair; hair that none of the kids had. He just needs to find which supposed zombies _don’t_ have his hair. And, sure enough, it works -- he finds the girl first, then the two boys walking with her.

Perry grabs Phineas by the collar. He’s made it very clear that he’s not going to the lair without him, so if he’s going to follow Perry anyway, he might as well keep the boy close. Perry jumps off the roof, and they hang glide over to the kids. It’s all going smoothly until they’re a few feet away, when the rocket gives out and they crash land in the middle of the street.

It only takes one look at the hang glider to know that it’s useless now. It’s bent out of shape, with a huge tear down the middle. He tosses it aside. Down a plunger, down a hang glider… things aren’t looking very bright right now. He turns his attention to Phineas, looking him over to make sure he doesn’t look hurt. 

“Are you okay?” Phineas asks. 

Perry nods, then points to him to ask him the same question.

“I’m fine,” Phineas says. “A little scraped up, but fine.” 

Perry stands up, but before he can orient himself after a very unexpected crash landed, he’s surrounded by a cloud of white lab coats. Well, this is it. He just wishes he didn’t have to drag Phineas down with him.

But then they speak, and the voice isn’t Heinz’s. It’s a girl’s.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so,” Phineas says. “Who are you?”

“I’m Melissa,” she says. “This is Milo, and that’s Zack.”

“Hi!” Milo says with a smile and a wave, which doesn’t really fit the situation. 

“Can we save the greetings until we’re _not_ surrounded by zombie pharmacists?” Zack asks, and his panicked voice _does_ fit the situation.

“Agreed,” Melissa says. “I’m guessing it’s too much to ask if you have a secure hiding spot nearby?”

“We do in theory,” Phineas says. “But there’s no way to get back there. The zombies are everywhere, and I didn’t bring the plunger.”

“Oh, I have a plunger!” Milo says, immediately reaching into his backpack. 

“Why do you need a plunger?” Zack asks.

“We think that rubber’s the best defense against the zombies,” Phineas says. “And a plunger’s basically rubber on a stick, so it makes a good weapon.”

“Oh, cool!” Milo hands Phineas a plunger, then reaches into his backpack again. “In that case, I have two of them!”

“Why do you have two plungers?” Phineas asks. “Why do you have _any_ plungers?”

“I like to pack for any eventuality,” Milo says with a shrug. He pulls out the second plunger. “Who wants it?”

“I do!” Melissa says immediately, taking it from him without hesitation. 

Phineas hands his own plunger to Perry. “I think you can make better use of this than I can.”

Perry takes it and gestures for everyone to follow him. 

“Is that a platypus?” Melissa asks. “Are we following a platypus?”

“He’s a secret agent,” Phineas says simply.

“Right, of course,” Zack deadpans. 

Fighting their way back to the house is not fun. He’s pleasantly surprised to see that Melissa apparently loves hitting zombies with plungers, but he has to admit, she isn’t too effective at it. Secret agent training never covered this scenario specifically, but he did get quite a few pointers that Melissa doesn’t have.

Perry risks a glance back at the kids. They don’t look much older than Phineas and Ferb, but they’re a lot taller. They won’t fit through any of the tubes to his lair, so they’re going to have to take the stairs. He doesn’t want to risk heading in the house to get there -- it would be far too easy to get cornered when surrounded by three walls -- but there’s a staircase in the backyard, so that’s where he leads them. He pops open the ground and gestures for everyone to go down.

“How many entrances _are_ there?” Phineas asks.

Perry shoves him forward and closes the roof. If the kids never noticed it, neither will the zombies, so he’s not too worried about that.

“What is this place?” Zack asks. 

“Do you have a bomb shelter under your backyard?” Melissa asks.

“Apparently,” Phineas says with a shrug.

It’s a very, _very_ long staircase. There’s a reason Perry tries to take the tubes or the slides whenever possible. As it is, he’s really not looking forward to getting out of here. 

“Hello?” Vanessa calls out, so he knows they’re getting close. “Is someone out there?”

“If you’re a pharmacist, knock once,” Buford says. “If you’re not a pharmacist, knock twice.”

“What are you expecting them to knock on?” Candace asks. “The floor?”

“Guys, it’s us,” Phineas says. “And some new friends.”

“Non-pharmacist friends?” Buford asks.

“Non-pharmacist friends,” Melissa assures him.

“Oh, thank god,” Candace says. “Another girl. It’s a miracle.”

Perry has to admit, when he finally reaches his lair, it’s uncomfortable. It always felt so big to him, but big to a platypus and big to a human are two totally different things. With all these people down here, he can see that now. 

“Woah,” Phineas breathes. “Perry, this is yours?”

Perry nods.

“Ferb and I have been here before!” Phineas says. “I thought Ferb made it!”

“I tried to tell you,” Ferb says.

Perry looks around. Where _is_ Ferb? He walks around, ducking under people’s legs to get through them. He really shouldn’t be surprised to see the kid is sitting in his chair and working with his computer, though the fact that his computer even works in a blackout definitely surprises him. OWCA must have some other type of power supply. Perry walks up to him and taps him on the arm, hoping the boy will fill him in. 

“Oh, would you like the computer?” Ferb asks. 

Though that wasn’t quite what Perry had in mind, it does occur to him that he could probably make use of it, so he nods. Ferb moves out of the way, and Perry hops in his place. He doesn’t come down here often if not for a briefing -- when he’s off the clock, he’d rather spend his time with his friends and family than dwelling on work -- so it’s weird not to see Monogram’s face in front of him. He’s not sure he’ll ever get over OWCA falling apart.

Perry opens up the Paint program. He’s never actually used it before, and it always seemed like a stupid program to have on an OWCA computer, but a diagram may be the easiest way for him to explain what caused this. If they know what caused it, hopefully they can fix it.

“Perry, do you want me to get everyone’s attention?” Vanessa asks.

Perry nods. 

Vanessa clears her throat before yelling, louder than he thought she was capable of, “Everyone turn your attention to the screen!”

Instantly, every conversation stops. Perry waits for everyone to get situated. In the end, they look like they’re getting ready for an awkward group photo. The youngest kids sit in the front, Milo and his friends kneel behind them, and Candace and Vanessa stand in the back. It’s the easiest way to make sure everyone can see.

Perry starts by picking the purple pen, which he uses to make a very rough drawing of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. 

“Is that supposed to be Ferb?” Candace asks.

Perry shakes his head. In green, he writes a very, very messy “DOOF” across the top, which extends far past the boundaries of the building. In his defense, he’s not even writing with a mouse; he’s writing with a mouse _pad_ , which is somehow even harder.

“Oh, I get it!” Vanessa says. “That’s my dad’s building!”

“You got that from a sideways ‘T’ and the word “Doof’?” Melissa says in disbelief.

“Our last name is Doofenshmirtz,” Vanessa explains. “And it’s a very uniquely shaped building.”

Perry draws an arrow pointing to the balcony, on which he draws a stick figure to represent Heinz.

“Is that you?” Buford asks. “‘Cause lemme tell you, buddy, you don’t really look like that.”

Perry draws another, much smaller stick figure next to it, and this one wears a boxy fedora.

“So who’s that?” Phineas asks.

“I think that one’s Perry,” Vanessa says.

“How is that Perry?” Zack asks. “How is that anything like Perry?”

Perry puts on his fedora, and everyone but Vanessa says a collective, “Oh!”

“Why do you look like you just stepped out of the ‘40s?” Buford asks.

Perry ignores that. The next thing he adds to the picture, this one in black, is the water tower that Roger was supposed to be unveiling today.

“What’s that, a lollipop?” Phineas asks.

Perry writes a messy “H20” on it.

“Hoe?” Baljeet guesses.

Perry erases and rewrites the “2.”

“Water?” Milo guesses.

Perry points at him. At least they got that one.

“Is that supposed to be the saliva on the lollipop?” Buford asks.

Perry smacks his head on the desk.

“Is that a no?”

“It’s a water tower,” Ferb says.

Perry nods. He can always count on Ferb.

“The one they built by my dad’s place, right?” Vanessa guesses. “The one Uncle Roger was unveiling today!”

Perry nods enthusiastically. She’s already one step ahead of him. He draws another stick figure at the base of the water tower to represent Roger.

“And that’s Uncle Roger,” Vanessa says. “Mayor Doofenshmirtz.”

Perry nods.

“What does Mayor Doofenshmirtz have to do with this?” Melissa asks, and he’s getting there.

In all honesty, Perry doesn’t remember what the repulse-inator looked like at all. No offense intended to Heinz, who doubtlessly worked very hard on it, but too much has happened since then that it’s completely slipped his mind. He feels like all inators look somewhat the same, so he draws the inator on the balcony the way he would draw any inator -- a line and a triangle, like a backwards P.

“Is that Phineas?” Baljeet asks.

Perry shakes his head. 

“It’s an inator,” Vanessa guesses.

Perry points at her. Right again.

“You’re really good at this game,” Milo remarks.

“I know, right?”

Perry draws a dotted line from the repulse-inator to Roger.

“It’s Mayor Doofenshmirtz’s inator?” Phineas guesses.

“No, it’s my dad’s inator,” Vanessa says. “He must’ve shot it at Uncle Roger.”

Perry nods.

Zack gapes at her. “Your dad tried to _assassinate_ the mayor?”

Perry immediately shakes his head. Heinz may be evil, but not that evil.

“Nothing he makes ever kills people,” Vanessa says. To Perry, she asks, “What was this one supposed to do, anyway?”

He circles Roger’s face, then draws an arrow to what is supposed to be a rendition of Heinz’s face. It’s not _exactly_ what he tried to do, but it’s the closest he can come to explaining. Unfortunately, the monitor chooses that moment to fall off the wall, and if Perry hadn’t jumped out of the way, it would have crushed him. He’s not sure how that happened. It’s been fine for the last five years. Why would it choose today to fall apart?

“Oh, sorry about that,” Milo says.

Perry stares at him uncomprehendingly.

“What did you do?” Vanessa asks.

“Oh, nothing,” he says. “I’m a Murphy!”

“And I’m a Van Strom,” Buford says. “So what?”

“Murphy’s more than a last name,” Milo says. “It comes with Murphy’s Law.”

“What’s that?”

“Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong,” Milo, Melissa, Zack, Phineas, Ferb, and Baljeet all say in unison.

“At least around me,” Milo adds.

“So, what, you’re jinxed?” Candace asks.

“Well, we don’t like to use that word, but it’s been said,” Milo replies.

“I don’t buy it,” Buford says. “You’ve made it way too far in the zombie apocalypse for a kid who’s jinxed.”

“That’s because I pack for any eventuality,” Milo says. “I have everything we could possibly need in this backpack.”

“Where do you think we got the lab coats?” Melissa adds.

“You got anything in there to get us out of this mess?” Buford asks.

“Maybe,” Milo says. “What do you need?”

“Anti-pharmacist serum.”

“Uh…” Milo looks at his friends helplessly. “Does that exist? Should I get some?”

“He’s joking,” Candace says. “Alright. Phineas, Ferb, you’re up. Fix the monitor so we can figure out what Perry’s trying to tell us.”

“We can try,” Phineas says uncertainly, “but we can’t get any new materials in a zombie apocalypse, and I don’t think we can salvage too much from this.”

“Then what do we do?” Candace asks. “‘Cause I really don’t want to spend the rest of my days here.”

“I guess we need to find my dad,” Vanessa says. “I just don’t know how we’re supposed to go about that when he looks exactly like the zombies.”

“I don’t know about that,” Baljeet says. “Maybe we should just stay here where it’s safe.”

“Stay here for how long?” Vanessa asks. “No one else is going to fix this for us. They’re all already zombies.”

“And if we leave, we’re gonna be zombies, too,” Buford says. “I’m with the nerd on this one.”

“Then you can stay,” Phineas says. “The rest of us are going to find Vanessa’s dad. Right, Perry?”

Perry hesitates. He definitely agrees that _someone_ should find Heinz. He and Vanessa are probably going to be the most useful for that. He might even agree that Milo should come, if only because he seems to have everything they might need. But the rest of the kids? He doesn’t want to put them in danger for something that’s inevitably going to prove useless.

“Right, Perry?” Phineas repeats again, less confident this time.

Perry shakes his head. He points to Phineas and Ferb and gestures for them to stay where they are. Then he points to Vanessa and gestures to himself. It’s as straight-forward as he can get. He’s taking Vanessa, and he’s not taking them.

“What? No!” Phineas says. “We’re not letting you go without us!”

Perry takes Vanessa’s hand and pulls her to his hovercar.

“Perry, come on!” Phineas says. “We can handle this!”

Out of the corner of his eye, Perry sees Vanessa look back, but he doesn’t. He’s not going to let them guilt trip him into anything. It doesn’t matter how much they may want to come. It would be a pointless risk. Perry starts the hovercar, and it starts floating…

And then it crashes.

Murphy’s Law.

“Now what?” Vanessa asks.

They’re going to have to do this the hard way. Perry grabs his plunger and heads for the stairs. Vanessa mutters something under her breath about regretting skipping leg day before following him up.

“He can’t stop us from coming, you know,” Ferb remarks.

Phineas gasps. “Ferb, you’re a genius! Come on!”

Within seconds, they’re right behind him. 

Perry sighs. They have a point; if they’re just taking the stairs, he really can’t stop them. If they’re going to expand the search party, he might as well add one more, so he turns around and pushes past them.

“Perry, what are you doing?” Phineas asks.

Perry slides down the railing and heads back to his lair. He looks up at Milo expectantly.

“Oh, do you want me to come?” Milo asks.

Perry shrugs. He doesn’t want to ask him to, but he certainly wouldn’t be opposed to it.

“Cool!” Milo says with a grin.

“If he’s going, I’m going,” Melissa says.

“And if they’re both going, I’m going, too,” Zack adds.

Perry throws his hands up in exasperation. There’s no point in saying no; they’ve already proven that they won’t listen. But the more people they have, the harder it’s going to be to sneak around. This is not going to be fun.

“For what it’s worth,” Candace says, “I’m going to stay here.”

Perry gives her a thumbs up. At least someone here has common sense. Obviously, Buford and Baljeet are staying, too, but they’re staying because they’re scared. Given the situation, Candace doesn’t seem too scared, so he’d like to think she’s staying here because she knows it will make it easier.

There’s a thumping from one of the entrance tubes, and Perry begins to wonder if he should leave anyone here at all. Clearly it’s not as secure as he thought. He shoves everyone behind him and holds up his plunger, ready to attack. The whole tube falls to the ground, and Perry’s surprised to see that no zombie comes with it, but a dog does fall from the ceiling right after.

“Diogee!” Milo cheers. 

The dog, Diogee, runs up to him, and Milo crouches down to pet him. Perry eyes them warily. They really shouldn’t be taking the time for a family reunion, but he can’t bear to break it up. He knows exactly how Diogee must feel. Being separated from your family, not knowing if they’re okay, is arguably the worst feeling in the world. Perry had never felt as relieved as he did seeing Phineas and Ferb alive and well, and he can only assume Diogee feels the same way seeing Milo. How could he pull them apart?

Candace taps Perry on the shoulder, and he turns around to see her crouched behind him. He’s a little wary, given Candace’s history of rude remarks to and about him, but today’s been one of the few good days of their relationship. He’d like to think she’s not going to ruin that.

“I have no idea if we’re going to make it out of this,” Candace says quietly. “At this point, becoming a pharmacist kinda seems unavoidable, right?”

Perry pats her leg sympathetically. He definitely sees where she’s coming from. He’s half convinced they’re just minutes away from growing lab coats, even if he wouldn’t admit it. 

“And, in case we don’t see each other again, I feel like I owe you an apology,” Candace says. “I’ve been kind of mean to you over the last five years -- or, you know, _really_ mean to you -- and I’m sorry. On the off chance we make it out of here alive, I’m going to make it up to you. I don’t know how, but I will.”

Perry gives her the biggest hug his little arms can manage. He’s known since day one, and he’s loved her back through all their ups and downs. They’re practically siblings; how could he not know? He’d like to think Candace can tell from this hug that she doesn’t owe him anything -- no apology, no makeup, nothing. Even if they do make it through this, Perry’s going to be relocated, and she’d never get to make it up to him, anyway. He doesn’t want her to feel bad about that.

When they finally pull apart, they’re both tearing up. Candace sniffles and wipes her eyes. “Take care of the boys, okay?”

Perry nods. He gestures to his eyes with two fingers, then to Buford and Baljeet, but his gaze never leaves Candace’s face.

“I’ll watch out for them, don’t worry,” Candace says. “Good luck, Perry.”

Perry gives her one last salute before running back up the stairs. Milo and his friends follow, and though Perry’s a little hesitant to let Diogee come, he knows he can’t ask Milo to leave him here. He finds Vanessa, Phineas, and Ferb all waiting where he left them, and it doesn’t take long to catch up.

“Perry, are you okay?” Vanessa asks.

Perry wipes the tears from his eyes and nods.

“Are you sure?” she asks. “I’ve never seen you cry before.”

Perry just starts walking. He already knows it’s going to take forever to get out of here -- why there has to be so many stairs, Perry does not know, nor does he want to -- and he’d like to breathe in the fresh air sooner rather than later. It’ll give them a better chance at finding Heinz before he does something stupid. Perry just has to hope that he’s already repulsive enough that the repulse-inator won’t hurt him, because he knows that by now, he’s definitely been touched by a zombie.

“Do we have a plan?” Melissa asks.

Perry shrugs. His plan had really just been to wing it, which he acknowledges is not a good idea, but there aren’t many options.

“Vanessa, where do you think your dad would look for you first?” Phineas asks.

“Home, probably,” she says. “I was supposed to be having a movie night with the girls. But if he was going to look there, he would have done it already.”

“So you don’t think he’s still there?” Phineas asks.

“I doubt it,” she says. “After that, he’d probably check my mom’s place.”

“Do you think that’s where he’d be now?” Zack asks.

“Probably not, but it’s my best guess.”

“Then show us where to go.”

Vanessa leads the way, but it’s Melissa and her plunger at the front of the pack. They do their best to hide, backs pressed against walls more often than now, but they still run into their fair share of zombies. Part of him feels like he should be in the lead, but at the same time, he’s not sure he’d trust anyone else to man the rear, defending them against zombies that may try to sneak up from behind. At least this way, he’s right behind Milo. Nowhere is safe from his bad luck, but at least he’s close enough to take anything his backpack may be carrying.

It goes fairly smoothly at first. Melissa fends off zombies in the front, Perry fends off zombies in the back, and, for the most part, they go unnoticed as they creep along the walls. That changes when the street lamp right above them shatters. Instantly, Milo is holding an umbrella over himself and Perry, and the glass bounces right off.

“Is everyone okay?” Phineas asks.

“It looks like it,” Milo says cheerfully. “I’m glad I got the reinforced umbrella, that’s allI can say.”

Perry shoves him, trying to usher him away, or at least get his attention. Lights shattering are not quiet, and there’s not a single zombie on this street that didn’t hear it.

“Yeah, I’m not sure I have something in my backpack for this,” Milo says.

Perry shoves his plunger in Milo’s hands before climbing up his back and into his backpack. He’s not sure how all of this fits in here -- he should barely be able to fit in here _alone_ , never mind with all the junk he’s looking at -- but there are more important things to think about. He has to agree with Milo; nothing he’s looking at seems useful. 

“Uh, Perry?” Zack says nervously. “You figure something out yet?”

And, as luck may have it, he does. He climbs back out of the backpack, a rubber mattress in his teeth. At least, he hopes it’s rubber, because that’s all they have going for them.

“My self inflating air mattress?” Milo gasps. “Perry, you’re a genius.”

Perry shakes his head. Not genius. Desperate. There’s a big distinction there.

“Switch?” Milo asks, holding out the plunger. 

Perry nods once. He takes the plunger back and hands Milo the air mattress. Even so, there are only three makeshift weapons between the seven of them -- eight, counting Diogee -- and at least 30 zombies heading straight for them. It would take a miracle to get out of here.

When the first wave of zombies make their way to the kids, Milo inflates his air mattress and knocks them back. It’s ripped from his hands, and they’re right back to where they started. Perry glances at Melissa, both with their plungers at the ready, but it’s clear from the look on her face that neither think they’re going to make it.

“We’re screwed,” Zack says. 

“No, look, it’s a helicopter!” Phineas shouts. “Milo, do you have a flashlight?”

“Of course I have a flashlight!” he says, already reaching into his backpack.

Perry stops paying attention to them and puts his focus where it really matters -- the oncoming zombie hoard. He charges at them, hitting a zombie in the chest with enough force that the plunger won’t let him go. He uses that to his advantage, and spins the plunger around, the zombie spinning with it. Its flailing limbs smack the zombies around it, knocking them off their feet. It doesn’t last long -- the zombies don’t take too long to stand up -- but it’s _something_ , and, right now, he just needs a little victory.

The wind begins to pick up, and Perry’s first instinct is to reach for his hat, but he has his hands full with the plunger. The wind just gets worse and worse, accompanied by a growing roar. It takes every ounce of self control he has to keep himself focused on the zombies and not whatever’s going on behind him.

“Perry!” Phineas yells.

This time, Perry has to look back, and he’s glad he does. The helicopter he’d pointed out is now directly above them, a rope ladder reaching down to the ground. He risks a glance up at the pilot, and he has never been so relieved to see his nemesis’s face.

“Need a lift?” Heinz calls, and Perry can just barely hear him. He can’t help but wonder if Heinz already used that pun when he first dropped the rope ladder. He wouldn’t put it past the guy to reuse it for his nemesis’s sake.

Perry turns his attention back to the zombies. He’s not going anywhere until he knows the kids are safe -- until he knows _all_ the kids are safe. He’d put the wellbeing of Milo, Melissa, and Zack above his own, even if they’ve only just met. He gives them a minute, not even risking a glance back at them out of fear of a zombie getting the jump on him. 

It’s not until he hears Melissa scream that he looks away, and by then, it’s too late. She’s already clouded by purple lightning. She’s turning, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He just lost a kid.

The next one to cry out is Milo, though his is more in shock than anything else. There are only two people left on the ladder: Phineas at the top, and Milo in the middle. Somewhere between them, the rope snaps, and Milo tumbles to the ground. Thank god they had Milo climbing up last, because carrying multiple people would have been too much of a risk.

Perry tosses his plunger aside and grabs Milo’s arm. He pulls out his grappling hook, but as he shoots it, he hears Milo screaming in his ear.

“We have to get Diogee!”

Perry looks around, scanning the ground for the dog. By the time he finds him, it’s too late. A zombie touches him, and Diogee lets out a heart-shattering whimper.

“Diogee!” Milo cries.

Perry looks up at the helicopter. The grappling hook wrapped around the landing skids, which should hold them, even if it’s not ideal. He gestures for them to go, even if he and Milo are still hanging off the edge. Heinz listens, pulling up high enough that the zombies can’t reach, and not a moment too soon.

The grappling hook pulls them closer to the helicopter. He knows better than to expect it to get them inside -- it didn’t reach high enough for that -- but it will get them close enough. Ferb and Zack both reach down, but between holding onto Milo and the grappling gun, Perry doesn’t have enough hands to grab them. It’s up to Milo now.

As soon as they make contact, the rope of the grappling hook breaks, and Ferb and Zack holding Milo’s hands are all that’s keeping them from plummeting to the ground. Perry would argue that he has it worse -- he’s hanging on by a single hand on the hem of Milo’s shirt. He tosses the grappling hook aside and uses his other hand to grab the shirt, too, but that just causes it to rip. A whole chunk of fabric falls off, and this time, all Perry manages to catch onto is Milo’s shoe. 

“We got you!” Zack says as he and Ferb hoist him into the plane. They manage to get his stomach inside, and from there, he can inchworm himself -- and, in turn, Perry as well -- inside.

“I can’t believe it,” Milo says quietly, sinking down and sitting with his legs crossed. “They got Diogee.”

Perry pats him on the back sympathetically.

Phineas kneels down in front of them. “Are you guys okay?”

Perry nods. The only things he has left are his parachute and his hat, but he’s still alive and lab coat-free. Right now, those are his standards.

“I guess,” Milo says. “I mean, my best friend and my dog are now zombies, but there’s nothing we can do about that.”

Perry feels the same way. He may not have had the same attachment to Melissa and Diogee that Milo did, but he still felt responsible for them. Monogram’s last words were a plea to Perry to save the survivors, and he’s already lost two. But he’s still himself, and he’s sharing this helicopter with survivors, and that has to count for something.

“Talk about a rescue, right?” Heinz says. 

Perry has to crawl between a lot of legs to get to his nemesis in the pilot’s seat, and, when he does, all he does is slap him in the face.

Heinz scoffs. “I just saved you!”

Perry crosses his arms. 

“Okay, yes, I saved you from a problem I created,” Heinz concedes, “but that’s still a rescue.”

Perry just slaps him again.

“Ow!”

That brings a slight smile to his face.

“You are sadistic, do you know that?” Heinz asks. “You are sadistic. You are a sadistic, sadistic platypus.”

Perry chatters before crawling back to Phineas and Ferb.

“So, where are we going?” Heinz asks. “Anyone have a safehouse? Anyone at all?”

“We should go to your place,” Vanessa says. “You had all the parts to make whatever did this. You’ve got to have everything we’d need to undo it, right?”

“I don’t even know how I did this, never mind how to _fix_ it,” Heinz says. “I was just trying to make Roger ugly -- you know, so no one would want to vote for him and I could take over the tri-state area -- but there was some sort of power surge or something, and now here we are.”

“This makes so much sense now!” Phineas says.

“How does _any of this_ make sense?” Zack demands.

“Mr. Doofenshmirtz did --”

“Doctor,” Heinz interrupts. 

“Sorry,” Phineas says, then starts again. “Dr. Doofenshmmirtz did exactly what he set out to do: he turned Mayor Doofenshmirtz ugly -- no offense, Dr. Doofenshmirtz.”

“None taken.”

“But the power surge hit him with a powerful electromagnetic charge, and that’s making everyone he comes in contact with ugly, too,” Phineas explains.

“So what do we do?” Milo asks.

“We need a conductor to neutralize it,” Ferb says.

“What about water?” Vanessa suggests. “Water neutralizes static, right?”

Ferb nods.

“But the water went out with the power,” Phineas says, “and we’d have to get all of Danville wet at once to stop the spread.”

“The Danville water tower!” Zack says. “There’s more than enough water in there. We just have to make something that will spread it.”

“Leave the building to me,” Phineas and Heinz say in unison.

“Jinx!” Heinz says, and Perry can practically hear his childish smile in his voice. “You owe me a soda!”

“If we manage to save the world, I’ll take you up on that,” Phineas says.

Perry flinches. Next to being pulled from his host family or reassigned to a new nemesis, that might be his biggest fear. Heinz would get along with Phineas and Ferb so well, and it’s terrifying. Putting Phineas and Heinz, two of the tri-state area’s three best inventors -- in a room together is a recipe for chaos. 

Although, he reasons, it could be a good match. Phineas, Ferb, and Heinz all have a knack for building. Maybe Phineas and Ferb could teach Heinz a constructive way to do it. Maybe they can show him that there’s more to engineering than power grabs and revenge. And maybe, when Perry’s reassigned with no explanation, they’ll have each other to lean up. Heinz could always use another support beam in his life.

He doesn’t have much time to dwell on that before the helicopter’s engine gives out. He immediately pulls Phineas and Ferb to him and forces them out of the helicopter before it can crash land. He opens his parachute, and he’s suddenly grateful that there’s not much wind.

“Perry, what are you doing?” Phineas demands. “There were other people in that helicopter. You’re just going to let them crash?”

Perry gestures to them with his head right before the first of two other parachutes are released. He crawled into Milo’s backpack just a few minutes ago. He knew the kid was already prepared for something like that. He was just determined to get Phineas and Ferb out before some more Murphy’s Law kicked in.

“Oh, thank god,” Phineas breathes. “They’re okay.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Ferb says.

Perry looks down at the ground below. They’re all landing within yards of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, but there are so many zombies scattered around, there’s no telling whether they’ll make it down without landing near -- or even on top of -- one.

Of course, the helicopter not only crashes into the building, but right on the balcony that had held the repulse-inator. That could cause a lot of problems. Maybe bringing Milo along wasn’t his best impulse decision.

Perry had feared that they would land on top of a zombie. He’d feared that all three of them would turn. What he hadn’t feared -- what he hadn’t even _thought_ to fear -- was that only one of them would land on the zombie, and only one of them would turn. But when he sees the purple lightning radiating off Phineas’s body, he knows that’s exactly what happened.

Perry chatters and tries to reach out to him, as if there’s anything he could do to help him, but these are his last few seconds as himself. It’s already too late. For the briefest moment, he swears his brain stops functioning. He’s losing Phineas. What is he supposed to do now?

“Go!” Phineas yells. “Help Dr. Doofenshm--” 

He’s cut off mid-word by a demonic groan as he starts to shift. Perry salutes him one last time before turning around and running, Ferb right by his side. As they make it to the front door, so does Milo, but he’s alone. Perry looks at him, waiting for some type of explanation. Did they lose everyone? Is it just the three of them?

All Milo says is, “Zack’s gone.”

Ferb pats him on the back sympathetically. 

Milo reaches into his backpack and pulls out a grappling hook. Apparently, Perry wasn’t the only one carrying one around all day. “Let’s go!” 

As soon as they’re off the ground, too far to turn back, Vanessa emerges from the throng. “Guys?”

Perry reaches out to her, but he knows it’s too late. Sure enough, within seconds, a zombie gets her, and he has to look away. It really _is_ just the three of them now. They’re the last ones standing.

Perry wouldn’t have noticed Heinz -- the real Heinz -- if he didn’t hear the heart-shattering scream. He must have seen what happened to Vanessa. Perry had been hoping Heinz wouldn’t find out, and that if he survived the zombie hoard, he would be able to help Ferb without any distractions. If Heinz dropping to his knees next to what used to be Vanessa is an indication, that’s not going to happen. 

Ex-Vanessa the zombie reaches up to him, and Perry flinches, expecting him to start sparking, too. Nothing happens. He must be immune -- something that would have been _very_ nice to know earlier. Now he just has to hope Heinz can pull himself together and join them, because Perry’s not sure he trusts Ferb to build whatever contraption he has to make by himself. He may be a genius, but in the midst of an apocalypse, it’s more a numbers game than anything.

The way the helicopter crashed into the building only leaves a small gap for them to squeeze through, and no way of seeing what lies ahead. Perry doesn’t wait for Milo or Ferb to get situated, instead climbing over them and squeezing himself into the room. Heinz’s building is covered in zombies, though for the time being, they’re all lying on the ground. Maybe Murphy’s Law was on their side this time, because there was _one_ plus side to the helicopter crashing.

Perry grabs a handful of plungers -- thank god those are still lying around -- and returns to the ledge just as Milo and Ferb are climbing up. He holds two out to them, one for each of them, and keeps two to himself. 

Milo and Ferb both survey the room. Perry can only assume Ferb is looking at all the building materials strewn all over the place. Knowing him, that would be his first priority. He’s not quite sure about Milo, though. Is Milo looking at the zombies, like Perry was? Or is he making use of his own “skill,” Murphy’s Law -- looking for a way to defend against it, if not weaponize it?

“So, Ferb,” Milo says. “What do we do now?”

Ferb hesitates, thinking, before heading to gather materials. Perry can’t even try to figure out what his plan is, so he doesn’t concern himself with it. He’s not going to be of use in that regard, anyway; he’s a soldier, and his time is best spent fighting. If anyone’s going to help Ferb, it would be Heinz.

Perry crawls under the helicopter and looks down at the front door. There are plenty of zombies, but that’s all he sees. None of them move with purpose. None of them are Heinz -- the real Heinz. He’s nowhere to be seen, which means Ferb is on his own. 

“Perry!” Milo yells.

He turns around, but it’s too late. The zombie is too close, and Perry’s only escape would be hundreds of feet straight down without a parachute. He braces himself for the inevitable…

And the zombie touches him.

It’s all up to Ferb and Milo now.

~~

When Perry wakes up, he’s climbing a rope from Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated to the Danville water tower, and he is _drenched_. It takes him a minute to orient himself, and climbs back to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated to take a look around. The place is a wreck, and not in its usual way. Perry looks around, scanning the faces of every lost and confused ex-zombie for anyone he might recognize, but to no avail. All of his friends must have dispersed. 

He looks up at the Danville water tower, curious as to how Ferb and Milo managed to fix this. Instead, he sees none other than Heinz Doofenshmirtz up at the top, beaming. So it wasn’t Ferb and Milo who fixed this. It was Heinz. Perry feels a pang of pride at that. That’s _his_ nemesis up there saving the world. Sure, it was Heinz who got them into this predicament, and he fixed it not for the betterment of society but for the betterment of his own life, but he still saved the world. He deserves credit for that.

So Perry waits for him.

“Perry?”

He turns around to see Phineas pushing his way through the horde of confused people trying to leave. He must have had to fight against at least a hundred people to get up here, but of course Phineas of all people would do that for him. Perry runs up to him and gives him the biggest hug he can. It’s so good to see his face again. It’s bittersweet, knowing that as soon as they get home, Perry will be reassigned, but even that can’t stop the wave of relief he feels when he sees the boy standing in front of him.

“We did it, buddy,” Phineas says. “We won. I don’t know how, but we did.”

The next two to make it up to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated are Milo and Zack. They’re both laughing and smiling, and Perry feels yet another wave of relief wash over him. Not only is Phineas okay, but Milo and Zack seem to actually be enjoying themselves. Phineas waves them over.

“That was _awesome_!” Zack gushes. “If this is what it’s like being friends with a Murphy, sign me up!”

“I thought you were already friends,” Phineas says.

“Oh, no, I just moved here,” Zack says. 

“We ran into each other while we were all running for our lives,” Milo adds with a grin, as if that’s just a sign of an ordinary day. Maybe it is for him.

The next person to find them is Isabella, not because she fought her way through the throng, but because she was up at the water tower. When she sees Phineas, she gasps and runs up to him. “Phineas!”

“Isabella!” Phineas pulls her into a hug, lifting her feet off the ground for the briefest moment before setting her back down. “Where were you?”

“I was with the Fireside girls,” she says. “We tracked the source of the blast up here, and by the time we made it, the only ones left were Milo and Dr. Doofenshmirtz. I almost made it all the way through.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t come back for you,” Phineas says. “We were going to -- we were just about to suit up and everything -- but Perry showed up and --”

“Hold on, is Perry wearing a fedora?”

Perry waves at her.

“Yes,” Phineas says. “Yes he is.”

Isabella stares at him. “Why is he wearing a fedora?”

“He’s a secret agent,” Phineas says. “He gave me a pamphlet about it, but I think I lost it when I grew a lab coat.”

Perry holds another pamphlet out to Isabella, who waves it off. He holds it up to Phineas, who takes it without hesitation.

“I want to read all about this if we’re going to fight crime with you,” Phineas tells him.

Perry looks down at the ground. God, he wishes it were that easy. He’ll figure it out when he reads the pamphlet.

“I wonder if Diogee’s a secret agent!” Milo says. “Hey, where _is_ Diogee?”

As if on cue, Diogee bounds into the room, Melissa not fair behind. The dog runs straight to Milo and jumps up on him, panting with joy. Milo crouches down to pet him.

“As far as Murphy’s Law adventures go,” Melissa says, “I’d give this one a solid two stars. Thrilling, but not quite the way I like it.”

“Agreed,” Milo says. He looks up at Zack and Phineas. “Although we did make some new friends, so maybe it deserves a third star.”

“You know, we have to figure out how to get home now,” Zack remarks. “We’re all the way on the other side of town.”

“Maybe Dr. Doofenshmirtz will drive!” Milo suggests.

Melissa stares at him blankly. “Maybe _who_ will drive?”

“Oh, right, you don’t know him,” Milo says. “He’s cool.”

Perry eyes him warily. He barely trusts Heinz to drive himself around, never mind a car full of children.

Heinz finally reaches Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, conveniently just as Ferb and Vanessa are entering the room. He runs straight for his daughter and pulls her into the tightest hug known to man. “Vanessa, you’re okay!”

Vanessa hugs him back. “So, dad, have you learned your lesson about trying to destroy Uncle Roger’s career yet?”

“Not at all.”

Phineas and Ferb share a hug, too, and Perry looks up at them with a smile. He loves these kids more than he can say. It really is the perfect family, and he’s so glad he gets to see them one last time before he’s reassigned. He hopes he has time to go home before Monogram contacts him. He’d like to see Candace one last time, too.

“So,” Isabella says once the reunions are over, “what do we do now?”

No one speaks at first. What _do_ they do now? They just watched their whole town turn to mindless zombies. Perry’s going to have his plans laid out for him as soon as Monogram gets ahold of him, but these kids… they have no memory of ever doing anything like this. It was completely new for them, and now they have to just move on like nothing happened. How does one even _begin_ to do that?

Finally, Phineas says, “I guess we just go home.”

Everyone murmurs in agreement, and the farewells begin. Milo and Phineas promise to meet again. Ferb and Vanessa share a hug. Melissa and Zack exchange phone numbers. That just leaves two of them.

“So, Perry the Platypus,” Heinz says after an awkward pause. “Same time tomorrow?”

Perry salutes him. It’s completely misleading, of course. He doesn’t want to have to tell his nemesis that he’ll likely never be back, and that he’s probably going to be forced to move halfway across the country to fight another evil scientist. The salute may look like a “yes,” but, in reality, it’s his way of saying, “it was an honor to be your nemesis.”

“Alright, cool,” Heinz says. “Maybe we can skip the evil scheme, work on getting this helicopter out of here.”

Perry forces a smile. He’d like that. He honestly would. But that’s not going to happen. Monogram is doubtlessly going to email him tonight and explain it, and Heinz will be left to clean up his mess by himself.

“Oh, hey, Dr. D,” Phineas says.

“Hmm?” Heinz hums.

“Can I buy you that soda tomorrow?” 

Heinz smiles. “I guess so.”

Phineas puts one arm around Perry and one around Ferb. “Alright. Let’s go home.”

~~

It’s all very bittersweet.

Perry rarely has the chance to stand around in the backyard with Phineas, Ferb, and their friends for more than a few minutes at a time, and it’s even more rare that Candace joins the group. He wants to enjoy it while it lasts, but every time he looks at them, it just reminds them that he has to leave. He purposely hangs back, lying under the tree and waiting for that call that will ruin everything.

It comes as no surprise when it’s Phineas who realizes Perry isn’t celebrating with him, and he sets out to change that. He lies down in front of his platypus, propping his head up in his hands with a smile.

“I had a good time fighting evil with you today,” Phineas tells him.

Perry forces a smile.

“I think we could have a lot of fun together now,” Phineas continues. “I mean, not that we don’t have fun together already, but we could have even _more_ fun. We can build you new gadgets, or some fun new way to get to work, or -- why are you crying?”

Perry shakes his head. Phineas is so happy, so excited for their future. He doesn’t have the heart to tell him that it won’t happen. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to say goodbye, not when Phineas is still just starting to say hello.

“Hey, come here.” Phineas sits up and holds his arms out.

Without a moment of hesitation, Perry runs into Phineas’s arms, and this time, he can’t even _try_ to hold his tears back. He hasn’t cried this hard in… god, probably ever. He’s been reassigned before, not that it lasted long, and he managed to go the whole time without shedding a tear. It’s so much harder seeing them again, knowing it’s the last time -- and finally being able to communicate in his own way doesn’t make it any easier.

“You’re okay, Perry,” Phineas murmurs. “Everything’s okay now. We’re all together and out of harm’s way, like one big, happy, and _safe_ family.”

That just makes him cry harder. They really are all together like one big, happy family, aren’t they? And he’s going to have to ruin that. He’s going to have to leave, probably with no explanation, and ruin what’s supposed to be a celebration.

“Phineas?” Candace says tentatively. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says. “Perry’s just having a hard time.”

“Oh, Perry,” Candace says, her voice full of more sympathy than he’s ever received from her. “I know today was really stressful, but you’re okay now. We all are.”

Perry sniffles. He knows she’s right and that their safety should be the most important thing, but leaving isn’t much easier just because they’re alive. He doesn’t even care if staying would put them in more danger. He’s not usually a selfish platypus, but when it comes to his family, he has to be. He deserves to be.

“Oh, hey, Ferb,” Phineas says.

There’s a pause, and Perry can picture his little wave perfectly in his mind.

“Perry’s having a rough day,” Candace says. 

“I don’t blame him,” Ferb says. “If I had played the leadership role even half that well for half as long, I would be exhausted.”

That’s not exactly what’s bothering him, but it’s oddly validating, especially from the mouth of his typically silent boy. Perry steps back from Phineas and gives Ferb a hug next. He tries not to sob into Ferb’s overalls as much as he did to Phineas’s shirt, but as soon as the kid wraps his arms around him, it becomes apparent that he’s not going to achieve that goal.

Eventually, Perry steps away from him, but that does nothing to stop him from crying.

Candace holds her arms out. “Me next?”

With a small smile, he crawls into her lap to give her a hug, too. They’ve had such a rocky relationship -- the perfect picture of a typical sibling relationship, he’d think -- and for some reason, that makes this so much harder. He’s glad they’re going to be leaving on the right foot, but things are just starting to heal between them. He doesn’t want this to be the end. 

“You know, Perry,” Candace says quietly, “Phineas told me that you were very brave. And, I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, especially after watching how you got me and Vanessa home. You always have seemed fairly fearless. Today just proved it.”

How is it possible that these kids keep trying to cheer him up by saying the worst possible things? He’s not fearless. He’s never been fearless. Sure, he’s not afraid of the monster under the bed, and he’s great at thinking on his feet regardless of the situation, but that doesn’t make him fearless, regardless of what his business card might say. He’s always had one big, inescapable fear -- the fear he would lose his family. That day is finally here, and they don’t even know.

Once he’s calmed down a little bit and feels at least somewhat presentable, he sits back against the tree and wipes his eyes. It doesn’t do much because he’s still sobbing, but it makes him feel just a little better.

“What happened to you guys, anyway?” Candace asks. “Where’s Vanessa, and the bad luck kid and his friends?”

“Home, I’d presume,” Ferb says.

“But it was so cool!” Phineas gushes.

From there, he gets to listen to a play-by-play of the evening. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Phineas does most of the talking at first. Slowly, his friends all trickle in, and he gets to hear Isabella’s version, too, and a retelling of his adventures with Candance and Vanessa from earlier. Buford and Baljeet chime in occasionally, though Phineas tends to cover most of their part. 

Perry only half listens. They get so wrapped up in their stories that they almost seem to forget that he’s there, but he doesn’t mind. It’s better than falling apart all over them, which is really a side of him he didn’t want them to see -- a side of him that he didn’t want anyone to see.

His watch beeps, signaling a message from Monogram. And here it is. Perry crawls to the other side of the tree, as subtly as he can, before answering it. 

“Good work, Agent P,” Major Monogram says. “You saved not only OWCA, but -- wait, are you crying?”

Perry wipes the tears from his eyes, takes a deep breath, and shakes his head. Badass agents don’t cry. He’s not going to ruin that illusion for them.

“Uh, okay…” Monogram says awkwardly. “Well, as I was saying, you have saved not only OWCA, but --”

“Perry?”

He looks up to see Ferb standing in front of him. Apparently his exit wasn’t as subtle as he had thought. He fakes a smile.

“Agent P, who is that?” Monogram asks.

Perry twists his watch around on his wrist and holds it out so Monogram can see.

“Oh, hello, young man,” Monogram says awkwardly before whispering, far too loudly, “Who is that?”

“That’s Ferb Fletcher, sir,” Carl says. “He’s part of Agent P’s host family.”

“Great googly moogly!” Monogram exclaims.

Ferb waves.

Perry turns his watch around to look at Monogram, though every fiber of his being is urging him not to. He was hoping he would at least get a little longer with them before Monogram inevitably found out.

“Uh, Agent P?” Monogram says. “Can I speak with you for a moment? Alone?”

Perry nods solemnly and ends the call. He knows he should go straight down to his lair -- Monogram and Carl are probably already waiting for him there -- but he can’t bring himself to just yet. He gives Ferb a hug, then heads to the other side of the tree to hug everyone else. It’s not just Phineas and Candace; he hugs Isabella and Buford and Baljeet with just as much love in his heart. They’re family, too, and he’s going to miss them.

“Perry, are you sure everything’s okay?” Phineas asks.

Perry nods, but it’s a complete lie. Nothing is okay. But he can’t tell them that.

“Oh, goodie, the power’s back on!”

Perry immediately drops to all fours at the sound of Lawrence Fletcher’s voice, and not a minute too soon. He opens the gate, Linda by his side, and they don’t suspect a thing.

Phineas crouches down next to him. “What are you doing, Perry?”

Perry chatters, completing his mindless animal facade.

“You know, I totally get how you tricked us,” Isabella remarks. “That’s actually very convincing.”

Perry chatters again.

“Oh, Candace, honey, what are you doing back here?” Linda asks.”I thought you were having a movie night with some friends!”

“I was, but then I realized I have some even better friends right here.” Candace looks down at Perry with a fond smile.

Oh, great. That just makes him feel even worse.

“That’s so sweet,” Linda says. “Now, did you guys have fun with no power today? It’s always so nice to unplug, isn’t it?”

“It was awesome!” Phineas says. “We made so many new friends. I even got to meet Vanessa’s dad. Did you know he was an inventor?”

Perry slowly sneaks away and to the other side of the house. He might not be able to take the tree slide with the parents looking on, but the siding door is always an option.

“I didn’t know that!” she says. “That is so cool! Did you get to see any of his inventions?”

“No, he broke it in a helicopter crash,” Ferb says.

Perry flattens his back against the side of the house. Here goes nothing.

Linda laughs. “Did he, now?”

“Yeah, ask Perry!” Phineas says. “He’s a secret agent!”

Perry knows better than to expect Linda and Lawrence to believe that, so he’s not particularly worried about them finding out. He steps inside the tube to bring him down to his lair, and the last thing he hears is Phineas’s disheartened, “Wait, where _is_ Perry?”

Perry sighs and lets the tube system carry him to his lair. He puts his hat back on and takes a seat in his chair, fighting back more tears with every movement. This is it. This is his last briefing at the Flynn-Fletcher house.

As expected, Major Monogram is already there, waiting for him. He doesn’t seem particularly upset that it took so long for Perry to come down here, though he knows the Major isn’t a very patient person. Monogram gave him a moment, and he appreciates that.

“Once again, good work, Agent P,” Monogram says. “You saved not only OWCA, but the entire tri-state area -- and maybe even the world -- and for that, we are very grateful. But, unfortunately, you know the rules.”

Perry nods solemnly. He knew this was coming, but it still hurts.

“You can stay at OWCA headquarters for the night,” Monogram continues. “We’ll send you off tomorrow. You can have your pick of the litter -- there’s no shortage of evil going around.”

“We can send you to Seattle!” Carl suggests. “You know, with Peter the Panda? You guys are friends, right?”

Well, at least he’d get to keep _one_ of his friends. That’s better than nothing, right? He feels like that should cheer him up at least a little bit, but he’s still miserable. He can’t even pretend he’s not.

“I’m sorry, Agent P,” Carl says. “But any host family would be in danger if they knew their pet was a secret agent. I know we gave them the benefit of the doubt once, but they’re such enthusiastic kids. They’d just get in the way. You’ll all be safer if you’re in Seattle.”

“ _Seattle?_ ”

Perry spins his chair around to see Phineas and Ferb gaping at him. He had thought _his_ heart was broken, but he’s not sure even _he_ feels it as much as these two kids seem to. He can’t bear the sight of them, so he turns back around -- not to look at Monogram, but just to look anywhere but the boys.

“How did you get down here?” Monogram asks.

“We fell down the tree chute a few weeks ago,” Phineas says. “We just took it again. Now, why is Perry going to Seattle?”

“He’s being reassigned,” Monogram explains. “It’s protocol when an agent’s cover is blown. You know too much, and it would be a danger to you --”

“It’s a danger we’re willing to deal with,” Phineas says. “And I don’t think it’s fair for you not to give us that choice.”

“Let me finish,” he says. “It’s a danger to you, _and_ a danger to Agent P. We can’t compromise the wellbeing of our best agent.”

“How could we possibly put him in danger?” Phineas demands. “We just defeated a zombie hoard together! Now, call me crazy, but I don’t think he could have done that by himself. I mean, he may have organized the strike team, but he didn’t even make it all the way to the end. That was Ferb, that was Milo, that was Isabella, and that was Dr. D.”

Perry flinches. He knows he should have cleared this up and explained that Heinz is “the bad guy,” but he was really hoping that Phineas and Heinz would hit it off. He thought they could be a substitute for Perry once he was reassigned. He just didn’t think Monogram would find out about it. 

“Dr. D?” Monogram repeats. “You mean Doofenshmirtz?”

“Yeah, Dr. Doofenshmirtz,” Phineas says. “Isabella says he was the last one standing. He’s the one that sprayed the water all over Danville and everything.”

“Doofenshmirtz is the one who started this whole mess in the first place!” Monogram says. “He does not get any credit for stopping it, and frankly, I think it was downright irresponsible on Agent P’s behalf to even introduce you.”

Perry chatters apologetically. If introducing his host family to his secret agent persona is against the rules, introducing them to his nemesis is even worse. He just hopes saving the tri-state area earns him a “get out of jail free” card, because he’s not sure he could handle whatever type of punishment OWCA hands out for that. He’s miserable enough as it is.

“Hey, don’t talk to Perry like that!” Phineas says, marching to the platypus’s side.“Especially because he didn’t even introduce us! Dr. D found us of his own accord. None of us knew who it was when I flagged the helicopter over, but you know what? Dr. D is the only reason we made it out of there. We never would have figure out that water changed everyone back if it wasn’t for Dr. D swopping in. So don’t talk to Perry like that, and don’t talk about Dr. D like that, either.”

“Doofenshmirtz is evil,” Monogram says. “He’s an evil scientist. This is non-debatable --”

“He’s not evil,” Phineas protests. “I don’t think _anyone’s_ truly evil, _especially_ Dr. D.”

“I would call him a seeker of justice, rather,” Ferb adds. “He was only trying to get back at his brother for a life of hardships.”

Perry gapes at him. How does he even know that?

As if reading his thoughts, Ferb says, “He talks a lot,” by way of explanation.

Monogram sighs, exasperated. “Carl, can you explain this to them? Because I’m getting nowhere.”

“Sure, sir.” Carl turns the camera around to face him. “Hi, Phineas. Hi, Ferb. I’m Carl.”

“Wait, we’ve met before,” Phineas says. “Ferb, we’ve met him, right? He did the… what was it…”

“The anti-gravity machine,” Carl says. “I was undercover.”

Phineas scoffs. “Great, so you can send undercover agents to our house, but now that we know Perry’s a secret agent, _now_ we’re in danger? Unbelievable!”

“That was a misunderstanding,” Carl says.

“And he’s an intern, not an agent,” Monogram adds.

“I don’t care if he’s the head of the whole operation or just a henchman!” Phineas says. “Nothing he says is going to convince us that Perry would be better off without us.”

“We’re not trying to convince you of anything,” Carl says. “We’re trying to explain it, but Agent P. is leaving regardless of whether you want him to or not.”

“No, he’s not,” Phineas insists. “I’m not going to let you take him from us. He’s family.”

Carl sighs. “Agent P, please…”

“Tell them,” Phineas says. “Tell them you’re not leaving.”

Perry just drops his gaze to the floor.

“Perry, you can’t be serious,” Phineas says.

Perry hops off his chair and gives Phineas a hug. It’s the least he can do -- quite literally the least -- but he needs to make sure the boy knows he still cares. He doesn’t want to leave. He doesn't have a choice.

“But why?” Phineas asks. “We could help you. Heck, we _did_ help you!”

Perry steps back and looks up at Carl, waiting for him to explain. Instead, he turns the camera around, and it’s Monogram who speaks.

“I understand that you helped him today, but helping him once doesn’t outweigh the risks involved with having civilians -- _kids_ , for that matter -- around a secret agent. Agent P has years of experience to count on, and you… well, you’re just children.”

Perry knocks on the screen to get his attention and holds up two fingers. The boys helped _twice_ , and those are only the times it was a conscious decision. Their daily shenanigans have helped out more times than he can count.

“What is that, a peace sign?” Monogram asks.

Perry shakes his head and holds it up higher.

“A two?” Phineas guesses.

Perry points to him. Bingo!

“Two what?” Monogram asks.

Perry minimizes their conversation and opens up the files explorer. He has this folder hidden away, but he’s visited it more times than he can count, so it only takes a minute to find it. He opens up his “2D” folder, and an array of photos pop up. He has to skim through them for a bit to find one that would explain what he means. After a bit of deliberation, he pulls up a picture he took with Phineas before they defeated the evil Doofenshmirtz. Perry’s holding the camera, pointing at a smiling Phineas with his remote control baseball glove. He couldn’t have done that without the boys. Monogram has to see that.

“Woah,” Phineas breathes. “What _is_ that?”

Perry looks at him and gestures to the controls. If OWCA is going to force Perry to leave, there’s no reason they can’t let Phineas and Ferb take a look through all the memories they lost. Phineas doesn’t hesitate to take him up on that offer, and Ferb joins him.

“Where did these pictures come from?” Monogram asks.

Perry pulls his camera out from underneath his hat.

“Right, naturally,” Monogram mutters. “You know you shouldn’t have those. You should have deleted them -- you never should have taken them.”

Perry shrugs sheepishly.

“Agent P does have a point, sir,” Carl remarks. “I don’t know if you looked through his paperwork, but Phineas and Ferb helped him save the tri-state area back then, too. This wasn’t a one-time thing.”

“When did we do that?” Phineas asks. “I mean, besides today?”

“But it goes against every protocol OWCA has,” Monogram says. 

“I don’t think OWCA had the Flynn-Fletchers in mind when it started out,” Carl replies.

Perry nudges Phineas out of the way and brings his video chat with Monogram back to the screen. Is Carl implying what Perry thinks he’s implying? 

“They’re extraordinary kids, sir,” Carl says. “The laws of physics practically bend to their will. We could use someone like them on our side.”

“And if they work for us,” Monogram continues slowly, thinking it through, “then they’re not civilians. And if they’re not a civilian host family…”

“Then Agent P. won’t need to be relocated,” Carl finishes.

Perry clasps his hands in front of him, silently pleading with Monogram to make this happen. Phineas and Ferb are going to run out of summer plans eventually, and what better use of their time is there than building high-tech spy gear? And it wouldn’t be putting them in harm’s way if they’re just working behind the scenes, so Perry would get the best of both worlds. What more could he ask for?

Monogram hesitates, then sighs. “Alright, boys. Would you like to work for OWCA?”

“Would we get to work with Perry?” Phineas asks.

“Well, no,” Monogram says, “but you’d get to _live_ with him.”

“Why can’t we do both?” Phineas asks. “I mean, you guys were the ones who said we saved the tri-state area twice. That’s gotta count for something, right?”

“First of all, you’re children,” Monogram says. “If something happened to you, we’d have a lawsuit on our hands that we are not financially equipped to deal with.”

Perry rolls his eyes. Yes, _that’s_ the most important reason.

“And, secondly,” Monogram continues, “Agent P. is notorious for working alone. He doesn’t play well with others.”

“That’s not true,” Phineas protests. “Right, Perry?”

Perry shakes his head. That is _definitely_ true. 

“Really? Huh.” Phineas looks over at Ferb. “I think that might be the most surprising part about Perry being a secret agent.”

“I’d say Perry being a secret agent is the most surprising part about Perry being a secret agent,” Ferb says.

“Well, you got me there.”

“We should probably wrap this up,” Monogram says. “We don’t have the budget for this much overtime. So, boys, how would you feel about an OWCA internship? You can be our tech guys.”

“I thought I was our tech guy,” Carl says.

Monogram sighs. “Okay, you can be our engineering guys.”

Phineas and Ferb share a look, silently checking with each other, and Perry finds himself holding his breath. This is it. This is what it all comes down to.

“If we say no, we’ll never get to see Perry again, right?” Phineas asks.

“That is correct,” Monogram says.

“Then of course we’ll take the internships,” Phineas says. “That’s not even a question.”

Perry lets out a long sigh of relief. He can’t believe it. He gets to keep his family together. He finally gets to be himself around the house. What more could he ask for?

“Agent P will take you to headquarters tomorrow for the paperwork,” Monogram says. “Until then, you boys have a nice night.”

“You too, sir,” Phineas says.

“And, Agent P?” Monogram says.

Perry looks up at him warily. He broke a lot of rules today. OWCA can’t be too happy wit him.

But all Monogram says is, “Good work today.”

Perry salutes him, and the screen fades to black.

“You know,” Phineas remarks, “it’s really hard to take you seriously when you do that. You’re just too cute.”

Instead of acknowledging that, Perry just pulls Phineas and Ferb into a hug. This is fantastic! It’s better than anything he’d ever hoped for. He never would have guessed that a couple of children could persuade the great Francis Monogram, but they did, and he’s so proud.

“Hey, Perry?” Phineas says.

Perry steps back and looks up at him.

“Is Dr. D really evil?”

Perry nods. 

“Does that mean I should _not_ buy him a soda tomorrow?”

Perry can’t help but smile. Phineas and Ferb could be exactly what it takes to turn Heinz away from evil for good. He won’t hold his breath, but after a few months… Well, it’s worth a try. After all, this is Phineas and Ferb they’re talking about, and there’s nothing they can’t do.

Candace takes that moment to burst into the room, panting as though she’d just run a marathon. Perry can’t help but stare. What happened to her?

“That is… so many… stares,” she pants. “So, what did I miss?”


End file.
